Recently, a few interesting things have occurred. And these things are moderately unrelated to dance. But not entirely. I wanted to share them with you.
In the past few weeks I have not only re-entered the old restaurant where I used to work, but also ran into and engaged in conversation with co-workers from the old restaurant where I used to work- two things I neither expected to do nor had hoped might happen. Regardless, I survived- dignity intact- realizing each was bound to occur and probably in a fashion less terrifying than I had imagined.
Annually, company members gather together post-Dance Gala performances to revel in the efforts of their performance along with faculty, family and friends, as a sort of a rightful reward for their hard work and dedication. Conveniently, this year’s cast party was held in the confines of said restaurant.
For the record, this really is a wonderful place to dine, drink and work- that, I will never deny- but it just wasn’t a place for me, which this little dance soiree confirmed by its end. And if you were wondering about any encounters in particular, ex-chef was not present, nor have we conversed since I was given full custody of the Underworld Trilogy; he moved to Memphis in pursuit of his dreams, and probably in hopes of getting the hell away from me, which I can’t exactly blame him for.
Regardless, the event proved to be a success in its ability to showcase the members of my dance family: the people who have always understood my artistic endeavors and the efforts behind my pursuit. And now they were being unintentionally compared to the family I had once tried so terribly hard to fit into. Only now, everything appeared to make perfect sense.
My old managers said “Hello” in all politeness, as they ran around frantically, aiding bartenders, servers, and chefs, and I noticed nothing had changed. Nor would it probably ever. Fellow friends pulled out cameras like tourists and retold stories of hilarity, and as we swished about our cocktails and wine, we soon forgot where we were (and not because we had been drinking). We forgot where we were because it didn’t really matter. Being together with the people you love- the ones that love you back and for all the right reasons- sort of makes its way into the foreground, as architecture and place fade into the distance.
By the end of the evening, laughter roared loudly, but only five people remained beside the bar, myself included- the owner peering anxiously in our direction, probably glad he had made money and the event had been a success, but also wishing we would leave so he could go home. My director noticed, and began to shoo us out, thanking the man I used to work for. I remember hoping that my re-appearance had made some sort of impact on the people who saw me that night, and I imagined them saying things about me like, “Maybe we should have taken the time to really get to know her,” and then I re-joined reality. We made our way toward the staircase, and I waved goodbye. And this time it felt official- like a sort of confirmation that I was leaving a place that had never really welcomed me in the first place.
My second encounter with actual co-workers occurred right before Thanksgiving break and possibly right after Sam and I had discussed plans to move to New Orleans and build a house out of coasters. “You’ll sleep on this side,” he said, pointing to the miniature replica on the table between us, “and I’ll sleep on this side.” I clapped my hands ridiculously and decided (in that moment) to only make decisions about my future post-cocktail consumption as it seemed to extract feelings of anxiety (Dad, if you’re reading this… I’m joking).
Ironically, Sam and I really had been discussing our nervousness in relationship to career transitioning just as a band of co-workers entered the bar we had occupied for at least an hour already.
“Is this awkward?” he asked, watching me watch them file in, one after the other.
“Sort of,” I said, “But at least I’m happy.” And I meant it. It sounded sort of simple when I heard it flee from my mouth. Of course, the detachment was odd- watching my past dance around me in human form, extending affection in all directions but mine- but really, it had always been like this; I had just failed to notice it. I was too busy pretending to be someone people “could” like: the same person everyone secretly hates for having no opinion and being annoyingly diligent.
“I really have to go to the bathroom!” I said, and Sam gave me the “It’s-time-to-grow-up-and-no-I-will-not-go-with-you” look, which was followed by friendly words of encouragement: “Just go.”
“Don’t make me be ‘that guy,’ “ he said, “-the one with the girl who peed herself in a bar.”
Sam was right. If I was the good friend I claimed to be, I would march myself to the bathroom and take care of business like any other grown woman. So for his sake and mine, that’s exactly what I did- past the co-workers without a glance, and down the hall to the ladies room. And I made it just in time.
When I returned, a few of these old friends approached us, and this is what they said:
“Today was [insert name here]’s last day, so we’re just out having a few drinks.”
“Nothing new. Same shit.”
“It’s probably a good thing you left. You don’t want to be stuck at this place…”
“I work from 9-5 at my other job and then go straight to the restaurant every night.”
These are all things I appreciate not having to say. They’re not my type of sentences.
Last, I must make mention of my latest reading of Emily Gould’s And the Heart Says Whatever, recommended to me by Hancher’s Rob Cline for seriously understandable reasons. “You have to read this,” he said, and it is so very clear as to why this was said to me. Talk about female experiences with career transitioning and the workplace! I’m beginning to think Gould and I are somehow related. I am halfway through her collection of both relatable and evocative anecdotes, and the following are lines taken from her book worth sharing (or at least I think so):
“There’s this weird quality of being suspicious and cynical about everything and simultaneously, unwittingly, being utterly open and receptive and gullible that is part of youth, or at least was part of my youth...”
“Free floating ambition is toxic because it means that anyone who has accomplished anything in any realm of human endeavor is the enemy because she might be your competition. So you hate everyone a little bit, but behind this wall of hatred you still feel vulnerable. And you are vulnerable, but not because of the competition. You’re vulnerable because if anyone points you in anything that seems like a direction, that’s where you’ll go...”
“I also wonder if there was some moment when men began to sense that the skepticism I’d once feigned had calcified into something real, and so they stopped trying to sway me. Or maybe they don’t sense anything and they just see that I’m almost a decade older now. And anyway the streets and the bars are full of easier prey: girls whose eyes, behind their sunglasses, are filled with this targetless, nameless, need.”
… And so at least I’m not alone. None of us are, really. Artist or not, our lives are flooded with questions and illegitimate answers, desirable but unnecessary things, and the encounters we are never expected to have. But these things make life sort of stimulating and somewhat manageable. Not to mention, these are the things we make art about. Dance, writing, photography, painting: they all begin with something personally meaningful, regardless of outward significance. But of course, that part comes later; usually around the same time we hope everyone else “gets it.”
—Sarah